Chaos

At some point or another, we all have prayed for better days. Chaos or any of these – disorder, disarray, disorganization, confusion, mayhem, bedlam, pandemonium, havoc, turmoil, tumult, commotion, disruption, upheaval, uproar, maelstrom; muddle, mess, shambles, free-for-all; anarchy, lawlessness, entropy, can truly destroy your future. You have to let go of that mess in its entirety. Doing this will allow you to attain everything the universe has for you.

Keep smiling while you’re letting go, living and planning for the future.

🙂

As we age, we have to grow for true maturity. Staying in the same head space and sometimes even the same place can hinder us.  Evolution is uncomfortable. You’ve become familiar with one set of norms and growth challenges you to be someone different. 

I know it’s scary but with every day your life should become enriched with ideas and opportunities of growth. This in no way means you’ll have a new personality on a daily basis. If for some reason this happens, please seek professional assistance. At 30+, I don’t even think of things the same as I did at 30. I can truly say I’m growing, opening up to new experiences and looking for a every opportunity to smile. 🙂

The purpose of my life may not be clearly visible but I’m acknowledging I want to get there. I believe everyone on this earth wants to live in their purpose – but how will you know if you’re stuck in the same spot. In order to discover everything or even a portion of what it feels like to live in your purpose you have to break away from some norms. Embrace the uncomfortableness of the process and BE GREAT. 

Have you noticed your evolution? Was it a welcomed change? 

The new year will be here in 5 days.  Don’t kill the good vibes stressing about the countless things you wanted to get done in 2016.  This is the most wonderful time of the year.  It’s reminiscent of a restart button. Check this quote out.

I certainly understand how this season can become the breeding ground for depression and ill thoughts. You can’t focus on the things you haven’t done, got or said.  This moment is it! Enjoy the present we’ll get to the laundry list of things you have to-do on another day. If this moment is a manifestation of how you feel, turn that thing around and create some good memories. 

When you step outside today, take a deep breath, look all around you, be thankful for what your life is RIGHT NOW, and smile. I’ll be with you as we prepare for 2017 but we won’t be doing that today – Okay!

I’m just as tired of talking about my hair as you may be of reading about it.  The setbacks, the accomplishments, and regimens can all become too much.  I’m literally months away from my initial cutoff.  However, I know that someone somewhere finds a little inspiration in my honesty about this healthy natural hair journey.  Some things have changed.  So, grab your deep condition or pre-poo, set it and read on.

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I got this haircut in June and after a few weeks of just wrapping and forgetting it, this was a needed break.  In September, I straightened my hair again.  Wrong move!  I suffered some heat damage, not too much but it happened.  Afterward, I said, “I’m done.”  I’ll just focus on reducing the heat.  Yeah right!  I love my kinks and coils.  The love affair I have with the wind blowing through my hair is often short lived because my hair starts feeling and looking greasy.  The duality of it all was too much.  I couldn’t give up.  Like for real, I’m so close to my April deadline for this experiment.  In all actuality, I should have retained at least 12 inches of hair.  That’s 1/3 of the hair I’ve envisioned for myself.



My hair has grown since the last cut and I can tell because I’m able to put my 2 flat twists in, again.  In the meantime, I needed to incorporate more ways to amplify my progress.  I’m sure most of you know Mahogany Curls (if you don’t check her out).  Well, she started a year-long growth challenge.  This includes no cutting, coloring, and simplistic regimens to see how much hair we can grow in 2017.  I’m totally on board for this.  More importantly, there is a forum for us via Facebook to gather knowledge and vent, congratulate and encourage each other through the year.  Within the first couple days, I discovered what my real issue was with my hair.  It’s de-fuckin’-hydrated.  I’m not moisturizing my hair enough which leads to breaking and snapping.  OMG!  How have I lasted this long without this critical point?  Only one answer comes to mind – I’ve been doing the bare minimum. Thank you, God, for protecting my edges.  🙂

Here’s what I’ll be doing until November 2017.  It seems pretty basic but it’s more than I have been doing in the past year, for sure.

vitaminsTaking vitamins these certainly helped me last year and I appreciate that I can get them from Target or CVS.  It also helps when I find a coupon in the Sunday paper for these.  That allow me to stock up.  I mean I’m a girl looking to save money on everyday stuff to have lifetime experiences.

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Deep conditioning hasn’t been as present in recent months due to the overwhelming task of wash day and being pulled in so many directions in life. I remember how well my hair was responding in the early days.

Happiness
Deep Wave Marti

This lady will be back.  The braids didn’t work as well as I hoped but I know without a doubt.  My hair succeeds under the protection of weave. So, as much as I like my hair, it’s time for me to take my hair goals serious.  The hair won’t be long or cost a million dollars.  It’ll give me the protection I need and assist me in retaining more length during this challenge.butter

In addition, I’ll be using hair butter and returning to the LOC Method to keep my hair moisturized in between installs and on wash day.

That sums it up.  I’m positive next year IF this hair makes it to the countdown – it’ll be to brag on my new length.  The April deadline is out the window.  This natural hair journey is here to stay.  Sometimes you need to change the plan to fit the goal. The goal is long healthy natural hair.

I’ve taken my vision board down in anticipation of adding new items and removing accomplishments.  As we come within a few days of the new year, it’s time to focus on goal planning/review of a year come and gone too soon.  Seeing your goals and making a plan has truly helped me over the year.  When I looked at my current VB, I realized multiple things.

  1. It was realistic
  2. Some of my goals have changed
  3. This did not reflect the totality of my dreams

I haven’t picked up enough magazines to update it. However, over the holiday break I’ve set a date to make my edits.

In all honesty, I was conservative about placing my vision up on the board because I didn’t want to be questioned or judged.  This is MY VISION BOARD and I have a very specific idea about my future and I certainly can’t allow the fears of other to depict my happiness.

Oprah tells us to make our plans grandiose and believe we can have it all.  What you want is never too much… the idea you have to come to terms with is the plan to reach your goal.  Remember happiness is the goal.  It’s our time to believe in the dreams we have for ourselves.
Have you begun thinking about what you want to accomplish in 2017?  Did you experience success this year?

🙂

We all have heard about “speaking a thing/idea into existence.”  As we say in the baptist faith – claim it.  This is an idea I struggle with in my life and I’m sure I’m not alone.  Sometimes the things we believe in our hearts are NOT the things we speak out of our mouths.  Correcting this counterproductive behavior is paramount, now.

Within this month alone, I have spoken some things in pure honesty.  Ideas that I have been harboring on the inside have been given life.  As I come to some resolve on the path of my life and the things I want.  The main ideas that have swirled around more than any other are of marriage and having another child.

During my younger more immature stage of life, I confessed an idea that I would never get married to everyone that asked me the question.  This even included my father.  I believed if I was everything that my suitors requested me to be it would happen. However, relationship after relationship ended with wet pillows and heartbreak.  Then I decided this is NEVER going to happen for me.  This was my defense mechanism to people’s continuous questions about when and why regarding my marital status. Then there’s that ‘do you want another child’ question.  My answer has remained the same – NO.  The truth of this is of course I do but at what risk am I going to make that happen.  I refuse to have another baby out of wedlock. I know it’s the “in thing” but I’m not with it.  Over the next couple months, I’ll dig deeper into this and settle on my final answer.

Oprah expresses the importance of speaking your belief, not unauthentic ideas because words have power.  The things we say are believed by ourselves and those listening.  If you speak a falsehood, you’re the first to believe it.  Don’t lie or limit the possibilities of yourself.  Sometimes our fear of rejection and being let down take a crippling hold on us.  In these cases, a majority of us lean more on the pessimistic side of things.

Moral of this quote: Speak your beliefs in truth and don’t limit them. 

I’m not telling you to be by yourself or quit your significant other. We all need a little time to process our thoughts and desires in solitude.  This can include but not be limited to a break from social media, events and unnecessary conversations.  Sometimes we get so caught up in what others expect of us that we don’t pay attention to what we want from ourselves.

Recently, I counted all the commercial broadcast during a break in my show and I ended on 12. That’s an inordinate amount of impressions and information (some of it useless) we’re exposed to during an hour episode.  Then there’s the sound of our social feeds.  Videos, live streams and interweb conversation.  Heaven forbid you are in constant contact with others while you’re at work. Your voice becomes drowned out by the over abundance of opinions and ideas of others.  When would you ever have time to hear what you’re feeling or thinking?  I guess you’d have to settle for your dreams.

That’s not sufficient enough. You need the opportunity to come to some conclusions and generate a generate an action plan. So, put your phone on do not disturb or just schedule some time to just be alone with only the sound of your own voice. (Make it a house date. Just to keep down the chance of someone bumping into you while you’re out and about.)  I do this all the time. 

I’m no fashionista. Just a regular degular shemegula girl that likes to look great no matter what the occasion. As I become more responsible with my finances, the Internet has become the best place for me to treat my retail addiction.  Here I can fill shopping carts, stalk sales, and shutdown without feeling the impulses the stores create.  Then there are times when I have cash and this form of therapy isn’t an option. Step in Polyvore app.  Here I can become inspired by all things fashion including home. Let me show how this has become my favorite app for my closet and living quarters.

(Just a little background – Tamika and I love fashion but these Midwest professional streets – wanna hold us back. Cue the Rick Ross tune.  After a few short hours of intense research on her part we had both developed a new hobby.)

I was in complete awe when I saw all the options and items.  We had always wondered where those pictures came from and now we knew.  However, we didn’t know it was going to be like this. Here are a few sets I created in my inaugural weeks.


There’s no denying fashionable side.  My true love is home fashion and interior design.  I often think about how great my place would look if I had an endless amount of cash – OMG!  Moreover, I have made a point to create a less than common approach in my own home.  Polyvore allows me to daydream in color and change my mind millions of times without spending a penny or having to return something because I found something better.  This was my 1st home fashion set on the app and it took me almost 2 days to create it.



The very unexpected component of this app is the functionality to purchase what you like.  I’ll keep my retail-addicted heart calm until I get a few more things in order before I start going crazy.  In the meantime, Polyvore is keeping my mind off of things I tend to think about more often than needed.

Join and you can follow me @marleazwilson.

 

 

 


This quote explains my journey to this point and the vision I have for my future. When I walked away from a decent job in 2012, nobody believed I would do it.  Until they got my resignation letter.  I mean – who walks away from a good paying job without another one lined up.  I remember the messages I received after the news went live that I was not returning to the assisted living facility.  Really!  I knew the things some people were going to say about me behind my back – hell it was going to be the same ole shit they always said, “she think she better than us, she can only do that because she living with her momma, she’s a liar and a fake.”  This was not a drill.  It was the real thing.  I had to show them who I thought I was.

I rarely stop to let others know the core of who I am.  The passions I have in my heart and the fighter |physical & spiritual 🙂 |I embody in my soul.  I’ve never been a bragging person.  Talking about myself has always been my weak point.  So, over time I’ve been underestimated, marginalized and sized up to be only everything I’ve allowed others to experienced.  This is extremely unsettling for me and takes me back to a familiar time in my life. (Somebody remind me to tell you all about that.) I know things have to change because there’s a small rumbling from someplace deep in my being that I know all too well.

Fast forward to today.  I’m in a position I never thought I would hold.  The opportunity is upon me to fulfill the dreams I have been holding closest to my heart.  People aren’t saying the same things about me behind my back as they once did a few years ago. Their commentary reveals a semi-perception of me.  The time has arrived for me to present the totality of my being. I am so much more than they see and it’s my current obligation to present myself in the best light.

Now is the time for me to accept the challenge of showing my contemporaries, protégés and predecessors – “This is who I am.” 

Let’s get to work altering the ideas others have about me. Crafted by me.

“He’s dead!”  The only words I truly remember hearing on July 22, 2005.  This short narrative on what has been coined “Flashback Friday” will show you that miracles are still happening.  If I start rambling, please forgive me and understand that even 11 years later – I still get choked up.

We were planning a nice evening for ourselves after walking in the suburb of Grosse Pointe eating ice cream enjoying the afternoon.  You see, his mother had come and taken my kid to stay with her for the weekend. I was only a little uncomfortable but felt I could show them I trusted her with The Kid.  As we parted ways to get dressed for the evening activities, I received the call no mother wants.  I heard him trying to say the words my mind wouldn’t allow me to hear through tears and a muffled tone.  His exact words were, “They say he’s dead.”  In my disbelief, I responded, ‘who?’  The answer was my son.

I was driving and pulled over to the side of the road and began to sob uncontrollably.  No one was there to console me during this horrific hour. In a flash, I called my mother.  She asked me to come to her but I couldn’t – I had to get to him.  I had to be there with him.  I needed to find out where he was.  I wiped my eyes and headed toward Belleville, MI to find my one and only son.  I had the news but something wouldn’t let me rest.  The horror of calling his dad filled me and I didn’t even bother to call until I saw him for myself.

As I broke every traffic violation between Detroit and Belleville, I thought about the funeral arrangements for about 10 minutes.  Then I said “No!”  A simple prayer was all I could focus on for the rest of the ride ‘Lord please give him back to me, please don’t take him away.’  As I got closer to the exit, I realized I was going the wrong way, I needed to find out where the hospital was that held his body.  A gas station at the exit ramp became a figurative fork in the road of this entire story.

I jumped out of my car and began to ask everyone where the hospital was and shared the tragic ordeal and begged people to help me.  When I tell you not one person had the answers I needed and shared no additional information.  I screamed and cried louder and harder at every person that offered me no assistance in my time of need.  Then someone in the crowd called the police on or for me.  As he approached me, I was ready to give him the complete business if he didn’t display a spoonful of decency.

He was the sign that people always say they’re looking for from God – sent here to give me a message.  He begged me to calm down, sit down and breathe.  After several minutes of resistance, I followed his directives without sitting down.  It was in this moment that he probably became the best part of this day.  A 13-year-old boy from the apartment pulled him from the bottom of the pool. (His name is Matthew.) He informed me The Kid was at University of Michigan hospital.  The 1st officer on the scene had administered CPR 3x and he was NOT reviving.  The officer went beyond the instructions and tried one more time and The Kid began to choke.  My knees gave up on me and I buckled right there in the gas station.  He informed me that the pulse was faint but he was en route to the hospital.  Thank you, God!

I got in my car as a passenger by legal intervention and allow my ex to drive me there to the hospital.  While in the car I called my mother again, she said she was praying for him but she heard the EMS’s siren and knew they were preserving life in the vehicle.  She informed me she would be there shortly.  I was calming down at a rapid pace.  His dad was called and he informed me he would be there.  I just needed to see my boy.

When I arrived at the hospital the attendant began telling me to calm down and explained even more to me.  She said “he began modeling (1st stage of rigor mortise) and was unresponsive again in the EMS.”  At this point, I didn’t care what she had to say. In a VERY authoritative tone, I told her – take me to him now.  She informed me she was trying to prepare me for what I was about to see.  We began walking toward the room and I told her ‘he just learned how to ride his bike, was only six and was so excited to visit with friends this weekend.’  As I walked in that room, my knees failed me again.


There was a machine assisting him to breathe, tubes were injected in him everywhere and he had a shiny glaze over his entire body.  This wasn’t my boy.  They hadn’t determined if he was out of the water (no pun intended) and I went to him and whispered in his ear “I’m here… Stay here with me.”  I walked out the room and into the waiting area.  The Kid’s family started filing in to see him and check on me.  I wasn’t in the mood for conversation, hugs or explanations. I needed to know this would be alright despite how it looked.  As the early morning hours of the 23rd fell upon us and family members began to go home, I saw the opportunity I was looking for and I took it.  I just wanted it to be him and me.

I apologized for not being there and for his current state. I told him I needed to go home but I would be back before he woke up.  Getting comfortable in the chairs was almost next to impossible.  I guess the chairs were operating as designed. (Just a little work jargon to make me chuckle.) Something inside of me knew that everything would be alright. Around 3 in the morning, I tiptoed out of the hospital, cruised home to shower and get more comfortable.

The next morning he was awake and that evening they took the machines off him.  When he saw me he screamed my name in excitement.  The next words were etched in my heart and brain for eternity:  Him: Mom, we’re about to go swimming. Me: You already went.  Him: No, we didn’t.  I began to cry.  He’s brain damaged was all I could think.  It was later explained to me this could be blocked by the traumatic experience and all of the medication his little 6-year-old body was exposed to in the last 24 hours.  I accepted this way of thinking.  They moved him to another room for observation.  Sunday afternoon, we went home.


Outside of some slurred/incoherent speech and reduced cognitive impairment due only to the meds – he was perfect.  So, if you ever wonder – why I go to the mat about him it’s because I know he’s been given a second chance.  I refuse to sit by and watch him throw it away. So when I hear people say miracles aren’t real – I look or think of my son and tell them “every day is a miracle.”  Never stop believing in the impossible.