I very rarely let people get next to me. There are several reasons for this and maybe one day I’ll expound on them. My expectations are high when I consider a person to be my friend. So, not having many friends works in and out of my favor to an extent and I believe in the idea of signs from above. The side effects of this equate to destroying a relationship mentally very fast and within time abort connections making them non-existent to me. Friendship is very important and I consider myself to be a good friend. The combination of a sign and disappointment can be all too much for me.
The faults that I carry include being too trusting at different points of my life. I never nurture friendships with the ulterior motive of changing someone. When you’re happy, I’m happy with and for you. However, when you’re happy don’t take this time to take a crap on me and that’s exactly how I felt. This most recent lesson showed me that no matter how much you genuinely support someone, they have the tools to cause unrecoverable pain. 1 Corinthians 4:5 says “Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God.” I feel my eyes opened to something I needed to see and left wondering “how many times has this been done this to me’ and my eyes were wide shut to the disrespect. The discomfort I felt was palpable. Me, being the stoic person I am – I didn’t want to show it. I had to deal with it from the inside and it became the hardest thing to do. The question remained – Who equipped them to hurt me? The answer: I did, by allowing their choices and actions to simultaneously affect me through a fabled connection called “real friendship.” These emotions that began to brew inside me may not have been their intention but I immediately needed to do the work to heal. I’m smart enough to acknowledge the change and separate myself. The individual is completely oblivious to the infraction and for a short while, I wondered if I acted irrationally. In my stubborn nature, I said, nope. It’s what needs to be done in the efforts to take care of myself.
Yes, we could talk it out but at this juncture, I don’t think that will heal the pain I’m nursing. No, talking will only exhume something I’m working to remove from my memory. Will I miss the relationship? The simple answer is – yes, but I’m in defense mode. To be truthful, how can you be friends with someone you feel you need to protect yourself from? You can’t! That’s too much work. I’m taking ownership of the part I played in this happening. There’s so much going on in my life right now that working to salvage this friendship would be a waste of time I genuinely need for God only knows. It’s time for me to be selfish.